I'm going over your submission right now and there's a few points I've come across. Some good stuff, but a few things I'd like to point out that the others haven't covered.
- The description scene with the bird's revelation is good, but it seems much more like a one-time thing. It's good for now, but a future improvement would be to make the current description the 'first-time' description and then make a second description that focuses more on the creature's appearance.
- And speaking of, it's clearly implied that the bird is gigantic, but how large are we talking? Some mention of its size, either as a (vague) measurement or by general comparison, would be appreciated. Examples of this include: "The mighty bird glaring down at you is well over fifty feet tall from talons to beak." or "The mighty bird glaring down at you is well over five stories tall from talons to beak." or "The mighty bird glaring down at you as big as a small apartment building (jumbo jet/whatever) and would be easily able to carry off any of the cars around you in its giant talons." Without something to ballpark it, a 'giant falcon' could range anything from human sized to car to bus, house or more depending on who's imagining it.
- Similarly, how large is its equipment? Even if you don't state it directly to the player, it is good for you to have an approximate idea of that in your head for later scene composition and, as Blue Bishop pointed out, for size comparison against the player and their own equipment.
- It is worth noting that the creature cannot actually be an enlarged falcon that once lived in the city, as the nanites did not uplift/enhance/infect any creatures other than humans. The player does not necessarily know this, so they can of course make that false assumption, but it is worth clarifying so you don't think that to be the case. I know there's been some fudging on this before, but we should try to adhere to Nuku's guidelines when we can.
- The player loss scenes should be reordered, as currently herms get the feathery frot scene instead of vaginal sex, which seems to be the bird's intended goal.
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if cunts of player > 0:
say "<F/H vaginal scene>";
otherwise if cocks of player > 0:
say "<M frot scene>";
otherwise:
say "<Neuter scene>";
- As noted, there's no guarantee the player's in pants/clothing. Generally, I go with phrasing like "removing your gear" and "stripping you down of any obstructing clothing and equipment".
- Personally, I like the male loss scene having the player trying to get some fun out of it, though at least some mention that you're getting fucked as well is needed. It just seems like the bird sits on you and lets you jerk off into his feathers, despite the fact that he'll fuck a neuter player out of frustration. If such scenes don't do it for you, you can keep it limited and emphasize the player's focus on 'the good part', but it does seem lacking not being mentioned at all except for being sore at the end like it somehow happened after they passed out.
- Depending on the size of the bird, it is possible that he is too large for most any player to take comfortably. Clarifying its size would help make this clearer. As suggested, future tweaking could make mention of how even a player's oversized pussy or huge body is still stretched wildly by the avian monstrosity.
- The neuter anal scene is odd, giving a "rather mild ride" even though it's described as a "massive breeding tool" inside the players "comparatively small cunt". You need not write a detailed or extensive anal scene if you don't want to, but tweaking them so they're size consistent would be nice. Perhaps something like:
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say " You hit the floor of the nest with an audible [italic type]thud[roman type], and receive a few gashes from the sharp pieces of scrap. The bird of prey wastes no time forcing you into a submissive position. Any clothing or gear you have ends up shredded or tossed aside in his eagerness to divest you of any obstructions, only to be severely disappointed by your lack of vagina or any genitals at all. So instead he makes do by grinding against your anus until his giant prick comes out. He pushes the mighty tool into you, your body forced to deal with the titanic intruder. You grit your teeth and grab white-knuckled onto some debris, holding tight. Thankfully he gives you a rather mild ride, but he's driven it fully into you and it is still quite the ordeal for your abused body to deal with until he lets out a rather pathetic and unsatisfied orgasm that provides him with only minimal relief.";
say " After that, he has little interest in you and lets you gather up your gear and climb out of his nest. It is tough going, your body (as ass especially) aching from the titanic penetration. He makes no effort to stop you while you make your way to the staircase, instead fixing his gaze on the streets below in his search for more suitable prey.";
I'd also suggest you use a few applicable portions of that to go into the male loss scene so they are consistent as far as the falcon goes. You can then emphasize the player's use of grinding against the feathery body as an attempt to wring some pleasure out of the situation or to better distract themselves while the rough ride is going on.
- The player victory scenes seem good. The female/herm scene certainly provides some play we don't see as often.
- As noted, more description to better insert the player's current form into the scenes would be nice and are a point to look into for your next revision. I recently gave similar feedback to another of the new devs
HERE. You can also see an extensive post on
descriptive elements in the New Mechanics and Additions thread.
- There's some issues with your infection and tf change elements.
--- While most of the infection description portions are okay, the 'skin entry' isn't properly formatted. It should be phrased such that it ends expecting "skin" to be added afterwards. Ideally, it would also be kept to a single word or short phrase that could be inserted into a scene, but that often doesn't occur. You seem to have removed the cock entry entirely. This WILL cause errors, even if your creature's target gender is female. It must be there and should be formatted as a single adjective (or random/conditional set of single adjectives).
--- The tf change elements (xxxx change entry) are improperly formatted. The infection subroutine will automatically be adding "Your <something> feels funny as " or something similar to that before displaying the appropriate change entry text. This means you should only be including text to follow that lead in and begin with a lower case letter.
- Endings:
--- The player survival ending should have the player being rescued/extracted by the military, otherwise it will conflict with pretty much every NPC and pet ending in the game. This means that some portions of those endings will need to be changed, though some of it can be recovered and repurposed by having the player grow disenchanted with 'normal life' and go seeking their place in the world elsewhere.
--- Overall your succumb ending's good, though the player doesn't really seem to do enough to have the giant falcons win and take over as thoroughly as it implies that they do. Toning it back a little by saying that "their nests on quite a few the skyscrapers across the land" and emphasizing how "the little prey creatures exploring the ruined cities and out on the wastes are occasionally snatched up for food or for play by the sharp-eyed falcons, a constant threat near their roosts." would help adjust this and also show them as a significant threat in this new world.
I'd say you're off to a good start overall, mainly just needing some light tweaking and some important corrections to a few technical elements before this can be posted and activated into the game. It would benefit from some additional revision and sprucing up after that, but that can come after.