Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby koreka » Tue Jul 01, 2014 5:15 pm

Great job! It's so good seeing new talent come out of the woodwork. The more talent the game gets the larger and better it will get. Even if it is something niche, it still would be welcome. This game is "flexible" after all.....

...yeah...I went there :P
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Insalius » Tue Jul 01, 2014 5:59 pm

Hehe, I see what you did there. I know my tastes aren't shared by everyone so if anyone has a problem with it, please let me know so I can try to be more inclusive. I prefer people having fun than to trying to make a statement.

I have a second scene already written, though I was wondering if someone would like to proof read it before I put it here. I went through it again for the mistakes I made with my first piece and fixed a few items, but if possible I would like a second opinion in case I missed anything again.
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Wahn » Tue Jul 01, 2014 9:25 pm

You really can just post it here right away and I'll read through it when I have the time... this is just a forum to talk about stuff, so fire away with your writings. The game file Hub on the other hand is a place where only finished products should be delivered.

As for coding... have a look at existing files for info on how something is coded, if you do want specifics, say what and I'll try to remember an example in the files or explain the code.
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Insalius » Wed Jul 02, 2014 3:09 pm

I think I'll post my revisions to my first contribution first, to make sure I've fixed my mistakes. I know a lot of people have put some really good writing into this game so I don't want to offer anything less than my best.

As you continue your search through the city, the sound of combat catches your attention from a nearby alleyway. At first about to leave the potential trouble behind, the bestial snarling and barking from one of the canines roaming the streets combined with the ringing of steel piques your interest. It almost sounds like someone is wearing full metal armor as they fight the creature. Hoping for another survivor, you run to the side of the alley and peek in at the battle.

While your guess on the canine was correct, one of the German Shepards to be exact, his opponent doesn't seem human at all. Like something out of an anime, a fully metallic robot crouched in a hand-to-hand combat stance. The metal creature's joints were too small to be used as armor, tipping it away as being animated by the same nanites that were in everything these days. Though how a miniaturized mecha would be created of all things boggles the mind.

The German Shepard suddenly strikes for the robot's head with a clawed hand, though the move seemed anticipated. With the surprising agility seen in martial artists, the mecha grabs the incoming arm and used its momentum to flip the canine onto it's back on the ground. It seemed that, despite being made completely of metal, the robot possessed a range of movement that could only be attributed to the nanites' influence.

Having completed it's turn, you can see the metal warrior's face. Though the bottom half is covered in the stereotypical smooth metal mask, a visor right above had two glowing blue lights that must be its eyes. The outer parts of the helmet lack a lot of the ornamentation usually seen, though some paint on the right side just past the visor seem to be marking something. From the distance, though, it is unclear what the colors represent.

The Shepard launches into a series of attacks again, trying to overpower the robot and end the fight quickly. Again, his actions seem anticipated as the mecha either deflects the blows or diverts them so the canine trips or runs into a nearby wall. The constant movement shows off the rest of the metallic warrior's armor, again oddly lacking in ornamentation which makes it seem of all things slender and smooth. Only what looks like extra panels of armor on the waist of the robot seem like they should be there, covering the crotch and rear especially well.

Any thought as to why leaves your mind quickly as the robot slams the canine against the wall one last time, dazing the creature and causing it to crumple to the ground completely helpless. Knowing what usually comes next, you wonder if the metallic warrior even has what is needed to take advantage of his fallen opponent. As the Shepard is moved, almost gently, to be spread-eagled on the ground for easy access it seems obvious that the mecha has some means of penetration.

As the robot leans down to the back of the Shepard, at this angle all you can see is the plates at it's crotch moving aside as a metallic penis slides into position. Clearly a male at the very least, the victor strokes the canine's fur almost lovingly as it slowly slides to bury completely inside. He pauses, letting the Shepard adjust and to let it's whining subside a bit before starting to thrust. The mecha starts slow, moving the both of them as needed to make his defeated opponent more comfortable as he tries to find the right angles for thrusting.

You can't seem to understand why the robot is being so gentle with a creature you know would not have been if the positions had been reversed. Before long the Shepard is panting hard and growling, pushing back into each thrust as if craving even more of the metallic member pounding into him quicker and quicker. The mecha shifts slightly as he reaches around to stroke the canine's rock hard cock in time with each movement, trying to give his opponent the most pleasure he can.

With one final shift and thrust the metallic lover finds his mark, the Shepard yelling as his orgasm sprays cum down the alley for an impressive distance. Seemingly not yet enough for him, the robot keeps thrusting into that same spot as his stroking intensifies, soon coaxing out another load of the canine seed. You can't see it's mask clearly but it almost seems like its reddened slightly, like a blush. Could a robot blush? It's definitely a question you never thought you'd ever ask yourself before.

The display goes on for nearly a half hour, the mecha painting the walls of the alley with his opponent's seed before he speeds up himself. A few more thrusts later and he buries as deep as he can in his defeated lover, holding the furred body close as he obviously releases his metallic cum. He pulls the Shepard into a tighter embrace, seemingly a cuddle, the other having obviously been so spent he's already passed out from the sheer amount of orgasms.

You take this time to sneak away, give the lovers some time to rest. While nothing about that encounter seems right to you, you chalk it up to the chaotic nature of your environment for making anything possible. You wonder if you'll see any more of the strange mecha warrior, at the very least he seems like he'd make an amazing lover if your paths ever cross.


Again, I may have missed something so if I have, let me know. I tried to be as thorough as I can, though, so I'm hoping I got everything this time.
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Wahn » Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:53 pm

Still a little temporal problem here:
"The metal creature's joints were too small to be used as armor,"
It is standing in front of the player and intact, so the joints "are"...

This whole section is still/again in the wrong tense:
"The German Shepard suddenly strikes for the robot's head with a clawed hand, though the move seemed anticipated. With the surprising agility seen in martial artists, the mecha grabs the incoming arm and used its momentum to flip the canine onto it's back on the ground. It seemed that, despite being made completely of metal, the robot possessed a range of movement that could only be attributed to the nanites' influence."

Hmm... with more past tense creeping in in the further text, I can`t easily point everything out right now. Could you please just check with the corrected version I posted above? That should already have dealt with all the grammatical confusion.
Last edited by Wahn on Wed Jul 02, 2014 10:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Wahn » Wed Jul 02, 2014 9:56 pm

Also, "tipping" it would mean pushing it to fall over... how about "giving it away as"

It`s German Shepherd... as in herding sheep.

At some points, there are words missing:
" slowly slides to bury completely inside. " - bury what? Himself, his cock. ,,,?
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Wahn » Wed Jul 02, 2014 10:17 pm

" You can't seem to understand " - only other people "seem" to be this or that, since you do not know what they think. For yourself, you do not have to guess... unless seeing yourself in a video you and you forgot what you were doing or with scizophrenia/mental control where your body is doing something you did not order it to.
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Wahn » Wed Jul 02, 2014 10:20 pm

Again, please check the suggested edits I posted in the coded version above. Some of them may just be my preferences in writing, but most do take care of errors...
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Insalius » Wed Jul 02, 2014 11:54 pm

Okay, I'll go over it again. Teaches me to try to edit my work when I'm at work. Haven't been home much the last couple of days so I tried to make up lost time there...I see it's not helping much, though. Luckily with the holiday I can really go through it. Thanks again for looking it over.
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Re: Potential contribution, W.I.P.

Postby Insalius » Thu Jul 03, 2014 2:53 pm

Going back through and editing the changes, I can't believe I made that mistake with Shepherd. I feel ashamed at that one. I also realized that my previous personal writings have mostly been in third person perspective so I think that's why I was having so much trouble with the present tense. As for the missing words, that one is most likely from trying to do this at work. Hopefully THIS version has that all fixed.

As you continue your search through the city, the sound of combat catches your attention from a nearby alleyway. At first about to leave the potential trouble behind, the bestial snarling and barking from one of the canines roaming the streets combined with the ringing of steel piques your interest. It almost sounds like someone is wearing full metal armor as they fight the creature. Hoping for another survivor, you run to the side of the alley and peek in at the battle.

While your guess on the canine was correct, one of the German Shepherds to be exact, his opponent doesn't seem human at all. Like something out of an anime, a fully metallic robot crouched in a hand-to-hand combat stance. The metal creature's joints are too small to be used as armor, giving it away as being animated by the same nanites that were in everything these days. Though how a miniaturized mecha would be created of all things boggles the mind.

The German Shepherd suddenly strikes for the robot's head with a clawed hand, though the move seems anticipated. With the surprising agility seen in martial artists, the mecha grabs the incoming arm and uses its momentum to flip the canine onto it's back on the ground. It seems that, despite being made completely of metal, the robot possesses a range of movement that can only be attributed to the nanites' influence.

Having completed it's turn, you can see the metal warrior's face. Though the bottom half is covered in the stereotypical smooth metal mask, a visor right above had two glowing blue lights that must be its eyes. The outer parts of the helmet lack a lot of the ornamentation usually seen, though some paint on the right side just past the visor seem to be marking something. From the distance, though, it is unclear what the colors represent.

The Shepherd launches into a series of attacks again, trying to overpower the robot and end the fight quickly. Again, his actions seem anticipated as the mecha either deflects the blows or diverts them so the canine trips or runs into a nearby wall. The constant movement shows off the rest of the metallic warrior's armor, again oddly lacking in ornamentation which makes it seem of all things slender and smooth. Only what looks like extra panels of armor on the waist of the robot seem like they should be there, covering the crotch and rear especially well.

Any thought as to why leaves your mind quickly as the robot slams the canine against the wall one last time, dazing the creature and causing it to crumple to the ground completely helpless. Knowing what usually comes next, you wonder if the metallic warrior even has what is needed to take advantage of his fallen opponent. As the Shepherd is moved, almost gently, to be spread-eagled on the ground for easy access it seems obvious that the mecha has some means of penetration.

As the robot leans down to the back of the Shepherd, at this angle all you can see is the plates at it's crotch moving aside as a metallic penis slides into position. Clearly a male at the very least, the victor strokes the canine's fur almost lovingly as it slowly slides to bury it's steel cock completely inside. He pauses, letting the Shepherd adjust and to let it's whining subside a bit before starting to thrust. The mecha starts slow, moving the both of them as needed to make his defeated opponent more comfortable as he tries to find the right angles for thrusting.

It is refreshing to see a creature being gentle with his defeated adversary, knowing that if the roles were reversed the scene would be quite different. Before long the Shepherd is panting hard and growling, pushing back into each thrust as if craving even more of the metallic member pounding into him quicker and quicker. The mecha shifts slightly as he reaches around to stroke the canine's rock hard cock in time with each movement, trying to give his opponent the most pleasure he can.

With one final shift and thrust the metallic lover finds his mark, the Shepherd yelling as his orgasm sprays cum down the alley for an impressive distance. Seemingly not yet enough for him, the robot keeps thrusting into that same spot as his stroking intensifies, soon coaxing out another load of the canine seed. You can't see it's mask clearly but it almost seems like its reddened slightly, like a blush. Could a robot blush? It's definitely a question you never thought you'd ever ask yourself before.

The display goes on for nearly a half hour, the mecha painting the walls of the alley with his opponent's seed before he speeds up himself. A few more thrusts later and he buries as deep as he can in his defeated lover, holding the furred body close as he obviously releases his metallic cum. He pulls the Shepherd into a tighter embrace, seemingly a cuddle, the other having obviously been so spent he's already passed out from the sheer amount of orgasms.

You take this time to sneak away, give the lovers some time to rest. While nothing about that encounter seems right to you, you chalk it up to the chaotic nature of your environment for making anything possible. You wonder if you'll see any more of the strange mecha warrior, at the very least he seems like he'd make an amazing lover if your paths ever cross.


I still wouldn't be surprised if something were missing or still wrong but I'm hoping I've got it all this time. Writing like this has definitely been both an eye opener and a venture outside my usual writing comfort zone. I just hope, little by little, I'm getting better at it.
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