Barbarian's Tears


The lights begin to dim now, and the curtain raises, revealing a sunny pasture, with a tree, a big oafish looking man, and a chocobo Morph. The chocobo morph looks bored, and the man is sleeping under the tree blissfully. The peace is shattered when a large fruit falls from the tree onto the head of the man, awaking him with a loud and overacted snort.

The chocobo warks, catching the fruit off the ricochet, and tucks it under a wing. "Way to watch the warking sheep, Thag."

Thag rubs his sore head, slowly making his way to his feet, "'ey... err... Uhhh.. My head feels funny", stumbling his way in a slow circle.

The chocobo warks in laughter. "Told you to stay out of farmer Grog's grog. Serves you right, you big oaf. The sheep ran off while you were woolgatherin, go figure."

This gets a moment of looking around with his hand on his brow to shield away the sun, "They did huh? Oooo, Chiefy's gonna be mad with me... But it still feels funny in 'ere.", shaking his head brisquely as if he could disloge something.

The chocobo hops from one foot to the other. "Thag, you know what they say: an empty gourd don't slosh. Maybe a fly got in your ear again."

A finger in the ear to find out. Thag turns it one way, and the other, slowly. Down in the band pit, someone plays the zylophone up and down to emphasize the action. "Nuh huh. No.. uh... I... know!", hopping up and down with the most ecstaticly happy of dumb expressions.

The chocobo warks, arching an eyebrow. "That's a first." is the snappy reply.

He implores with his meaty hands, "No, really! I have an idea! I need to speak with chiefy right away, let's go!", running around the chocobo and making a motion to hop on his back.

The chocobo goes wide-eyed at these words. "An idea? From you? This =IS= an emergency!" And in it's startlement it darts forward, leaving Thag to leap athletically over the chocobo, and fall hard on his rump instead. The chocobo warks a few times, running a circle.

Thag stands up again, rubbing his bottom, "Grr, come on, no time for circle running, That is for tuesday.", stalking off towards the side of the stage.

The chocobo darts off stage left behind Thag, to leave the stage free for a set-change.

A sub curtain falls with a painted barbarian village already on it. A few stage hands rush up to slide in a house in the forefront and roll out the tree from the last scene. Present are two villages, one male and one female.


The male sits in front of a hut, one finger in his ear, the other in his mouth. After considerable tasting, he nods defiantly. "Ear wax tastes better than dirt."



The female villager stands around, chewing on a shoot of grain. She's leaning against a fence, and adjusting the long strips of leather hanging off her belt. She glances over at the male, "No no... try the dirt again. Really. Add a little water this time."


It's now that Thag comes tromping on the scene, "Idea! Idea! I have an idea!!", shouting at the top of his lungs, beating his chest as he walks.

The male villager cocks his head, before hocking a loogie on the ground. Then, he hops on the ground, licking up the newly made mud. "Hey! You're right! It is better wet!"

The village idiot looks up at Thag. "Yay! Idea! Does it taste better than dirt?!"

After a moment or two, a rather overweight individual wearing a crown of feathers wanders out've the hut. He's painfully grizzled looking, and seems to be staring blankly for the time being. He pipes up after a moment "What's... this ..I ..hear ...about... a... Idee-uh? ... I... had... one ...of... those ...once!". He proudly nods and sticks out his chest "How... I became... Chief!" he explains.

The chocobo follows in after Thag, warking nervously, and flicks it's tail.

This makes Thag pause, "Uhhh... I'm not sure. It's stuck in here.", gripping his head, "Maybe Chiefy will know how to get it out so we can taste it!", he decides after some relatively careful consideration. "Oh, there is Chiefy now! Chiefy, Chiefy! I have an idea!", rushing up to the feather crowned one, vibrating with excitement.

The femme villager nods to the male. "It sure does," she replies, matter of factly. She spits to one side, and loses her grain in the process. She picks it up and puts it back in her mouth, then looks over, and postrates herself. "Chief!" She declares. "All bow for the chief!"


The chocobo tugs the pear out from under it's wing, and kicks it off the back of Thag's head. "You darn oaf. Wait 'till the Chief hears about your idea costing him his precious sheep."


The chief arches a brow and tilts his head back a bit, reaching up to rub his chin with two fingers before responding in his loud, slow baritone "Thag... not... try.. become.. chief... if he gets... idea out... does he?" the comment is said with exadurated suspicion "Don't want... you.. getting...more... smarter than me..."

Thag raises his hands and shakes them around chest level, "Nonononono! Chiefy is good chiefy. I never as smart as chief. Hoping chiefy could, uh.. Oh right, bow for chiefy.", moving to his knees and bowing down on knees. A glance back to the bird, whispered loudly, "Shhh, Chiefy no need hear that."


The chief blinks and arches a brow at the mention of the sheep, and seems to think for a moment... well no not really, he more or less gets a blank expression and stares before he figures it out and turns his expression into a scowl, hopping back and fourth from one foot to the other and yelling "THAG LOST VILLAGE SHEEP?!" he grunts and flails like an angry ape.

the girl looks up. "Oh, no no Chiefy, nobody is smarter than you, really."

The male just drools, staring blankly...

Thag screams like a little scared girl and covers his hands with his hands, starting to blubber, "Didn't mean to loose sheep. They are sneaky, got away. Only turn away for one second!"

The chocobo clacks it's beak. "Now now, Chiefy, calm down. Thag took a fruit to the head and called it an idea. He got a little scared and panicked."

The chief grunts again and glares at Thag, looking rather like he's about to clobber him, then he blinks, and looks suddenly as if he's had an idea of his own "Sheep ... sneaky... maybe.. planning .. an attack?" he narrows his eyes a little "Thag's idea... maybe... about.. how ... to get...back sheep?!"

the girl gets up, and goes to lean against the chief and hang off his arm. "Now... there's an idea," she practically purrs at him. "It's a good thing we have you around to think for us, chief."


The chocobo rolls his eyes. "Great, it's an epidemic."

Thag gives a loud 'Uhh...', standing back up again, "Maybe. I no understand idea. I tell you idea, and you, cause you smart chiefy, tell us what to do.", all the tears gone and back to his goofy smile.

The male finds dirt, and proceeds to eat it by the fistful. He's a famished little idiot, isnt he folks?

The chief nods and crosses his arms over his chest. He smiles proudly when the girl clings to him, and reaches out to pat Thag on the head "Okay, what ... is... idea.. then... Thag?"

Thag leans in, whispering loudly though the words can't be picked out, giving the idea that's been bothering him so much over to the Chieftan, "Hey, head is not full no more, I feel better!", shaking his head back and forth in a happy gesture.

The man now peers into Thag's ear. "I see tasty earwax, but no idea..."

the girl preens and grooms the chief. It's probably intended as a distraction, as she leans up to listen in on Thag's idea.

The chief blinks a little and arches a brow at Thag, then reaches over and bonks him on the head "Stupud Thag! ... what... you mean you... think sheep taste... better dan dirt OR earwax? ... Sheep no.. look tasty! ... Too much hair!"

The chocobo clacks it's beak as the pear. "The All Father gave us all two legs, but only one of us a brain." he warks to himself. A cluck of glee at Thag's bonking. "Give him a few more, Chiefy. The acoustics are great."

Thag rubs at his now sore-again head, "Ow! But why else we keep them around? No understand. What we do not Chiefy?", he asks, backing up a step.

The Chief sighs and reaches up to rub his head as if he's heard the stupidest thing in the world. He frowns, and shakes a finger at Thag "You ... too.. stupid... but.. I tell you since.. you my cousin's... son... We keep... da sheep around... so if da wolves attack... they eat the sheep first! Wolves stupid.... can't even talk, that's why they eat... nasty sheep!"

The girl nods sagely. "Yes, hairy things are disgusting," she agrees. "Like Thag, I tried him. Tasted horrible."

The chocobo clacks it's beak. "You're supposed to wash your vegetables before consumption."

Thag crosses his arms and hmmphs loudly, "Wolf like sheep, we like sheep too. Uh.. We need sheep back anyway, what if wolf attack?"

The girl looks over at the chocobo. "Where would you begin with washing Thag?"

The chief gasps and bites the first few inches of his fingers "Uh oooh... we got no sheep... we done for! We done for! ... Gotta find da sheep! Get another idea Thag!" he frowns, glaring demandingly at Thag, he looks around, then grabs a loose board and starts whacking Thag on the head with it "Idea came when you got hit right?" he whack whack whacks, then stops, and turns the board around "Wait wait! I smarter, give me a Idea!"

The chocobo warks. "Preferably as far away as possible. And upriver of the enemy tribes."

The male removes some ear wax from his ear, and promptly pushes it into the Chief's. "Here ya go!"

Thag wobbles back and forth, holding his poor abused noggin. It takes several moments before he recovers and takes the club, "You promise not to punish later?", eyeing the wood, and the chieftan's head, however similiar the two might be.

The lady pats the chief's arm, and then leans up to kiss him smartly on the cheek. "You don't need some silly board to get ideas," she proclaims. "You're the chief."

Slake blinks and grunts, then nods at Thag "Yup! Need idea... give me idea!!" he insists, crossing his arms and eyeing the other barbarian.

*swat* *Crack* *Thump*, the sound of wood impacting thick skull is heard all through the opera house thanks to a little magical trickery, "Have idea yet?", Thag asks with a dopey expression.

The chocobo warks up beside Thag, whispering (with dramatic volume, to be heard). "Go find the sheep!"

The chief widdens his eyes and rubs his head, gasping, he swats the board out've Thag's arms "OW! WHY you hit me?!" he yells, looking angrily at Thag...

The girl leans up on the Chief's shoulder. "He's getting ideas, Chief, you'd better smoke him one quick before he gets anymore."

Thag throws up his arms, "But.. you.. and the.. promise! Ahhh!", and he goes running off in a tissy, screaming all the while.

The Chief frowns and chases after Thag, waving his fist in the air and screaming "THAAAAAAAG!" loudly.

The girl gets pitched in the dirt when the Chief takes off. She pickes herself up, and rearranges her loincloth so it's not all bunched up, and goes in search of her shoot of grain.

The chocobo follows after Thag, clucking to itself, leaving the pear rolling in the dirt as he exits stage left.

The curtain descends on the scene, remaining down for a moment while intermission music plays quietly.

The new scene presents itself, rolling country side, with Thag already running onto the stage, hands still in the air, 'Ahhhhh!'

The chief has apparently stopped chasing Thag. But Thag isn't smart enough to figure it out!

The chocobo dashes out after him. "Thag, Thag, stop running from the chief and start running for the sheep, before the Lobo eat them all!" it warks.

The girl runs out after the Chocobo. "I don't know," she calls after him, "What if the lobo ate Thag? The smell alone would kill them..."

Thag skids to a halt so fast he slips and ends up on his back, looking upwards at about mid-stage. "Wha?"

The chocobo dashes over to Thag. "Thag, Thag. Remember that idea you had? It was to find the sheep before the Lobo eat them. Remember?"

Thag climbs back to his feet, "I said that? Better do it then! Uhh... Where do sheep go?" The barbarian looks around slowly.

The man looks up. "Sheep eat that yucky grass. Go where the grass is."

The chocobo warks. "I smell Lobo on the wind. Hurry Thag!"

Thag nods, and picks up the running again at the head of the group. Together, the three of them run off-screen. The backdrop swivels around, showing the same rolling countryside, but with a cluster of white-ish blobs, possibly sheep, past a rising hillock.

Thag stumbles back on stage, putting on a great show of huffing and puffing to catch his breath. "Think... bad-grass.. close!"

The chocobo enters at a stroll, wing-like arms spreading briefly before dropping back down, as he makes a show of smelling the air. "It's either that or the breeze shifted you back upwind."

The female villager, coming in third, simply exhales briefly. "Talk like this, might scare the sheep away. Let's sneak up on them!"

With a consensus of nodding, the three drop down to hands and knees, moving forward towards the backdrop. Crouching down further, Thag points ahead excitedly. "Look! Sheepses!"

The three of them crouch there, mostly watching the sheep, with some off-stage hand making 'baa'ing' noises. Finally, the female villager speaks up. "Well, now what? How do we catch them again?"

The chocobo, pecking at the ground, gives a flap of it's shoulders now. "We could let Thag circle around, and let him scare them back towards us."

Again, the group nods together, with Thag standing up. Creeping in burlesque fashion with his knees coming up to chest in mock-dainty fashion, he heads off-stage. The other two stand up as well, maintaining a crouched, ready position.

From off-stage, Thag shouts "They's coming!" And with that, several stiff wooden sheep-dolls painted white are hauled onstage, with Thag blundering after them. Taking a leap towards one covered in cloth, he catches it in a tackle.

The chocobo, moving to intercept soe of the other sheep, trips over one and crashes into the female villager. Together, the tangle of bodies and sheep effectively blocks off the rest, while the one Thag got... rips free, leaving him holding the fleece and the sheep a blushing pink color as it heads into the other pile.

Thag stands, still holding the skin in his hands and looking at it puzzlingly. "Huh? Sheep leave it's coat unbuttoned?"

The chocobo and female villager both try to pull themselves free of the sheep, with the female tripping a few more times over the wooden sheep. "Looks like you actually scared one out of it's skin," grumbles the chocobo.

But, suddenly, a howling sound comes from off-stage. The group of three look among themselves, the skin forgotten for a moment. "Oh no! Lobos! Close, -and- hungry, by the sound of them." The female villager, moving between the chocobo and sheep for some bulwark in case of attack, seems to fret the most.

The chocobo, close to undergoing a molting with it's own nervous 'warking' and flutters, looks over to Thag, and then the sheep, and then back over towards the hills as the larger, dumber villager shivers pathetically.

"Wait!" cries the Chocobo, "I've got an idea. You and her move the sheep back to the village.." Gathering them together conspiratorally, the stage lights darken, and then the curtain swings shut on the group.

Intermission music. Let's all go to the lobby.

The curtain opens back up on a scene of two morphic lobos, sitting face-to-face on a pair of rocks. Between them is a wooden and paper campfire, with a skinned leafer roasting over it.

The first wolf looks over towards the second, apparently in the middle of a conversation. "So, I'm telling my bitch..." Suddenly, he breaks off as a loud, chirping 'Baa' comes from off-stage, with both of them looking to the background.

The Chocobo rushes by, stopping right in the middle of the wolves. It's wearing the sheep's skin over it's head, with other fleece bits draped over it's body. It stops, looking to the wolves. "Baa! Baa!" Not being able to restrain a wark, it waits a few moments, and then takes off to the other side of the stage.

The two lobos remain seated, and go back to staring at each other. The second is the one to finally speak up. "That's it," he says, knocking over the leafer in disgust and standing up, "I'm becoming a vegetarian."

Curtains close, but only briefly. When they re-open, the background is the same, but it's the chocobo sitting to the front, with a white, comically long beard that hangs close to it's knees. A few smaller chocobo kiddies sit around, pecking and chirping at each other.

"And that, children, is how your grand-daddy discovered the sweater. And don't let anyone else tell you differently."

Curtains close, and open again, with the cast members arranged for their final bows.